“The essence of the relationship between man and woman: He holds both – She holds the balance!”
And, of course, I want to talk about “keeping balance”.
Dear women, all those who tell you that you “keep a balance”, that “the weather in the house” depends on you, that you are “responsible for the emotional climate in the family” should be sent away. Right away. These people wish you harm.
If you google, you will surely find a couple of articles about the harmful stereotype that a woman is responsible for the emotional climate in the family. But the most harmful thing in this stereotype, in my opinion, is not that the responsibility for “balance” is removed from the man and transferred to the woman. The most harmful thing about this stereotype is that it … gives the woman the illusion of control. And this is the most dangerous illusion of all that you may have in a relationship.
The problem of power and control in a marriage or long-term relationship is unlikely to concern someone who is doing well in a relationship. But she gets up in all her three-meter growth at the moment when the relationship deteriorates. And at that moment it suddenly becomes clear that the power in the relationship is greater for the one who is less dependent on these relationships. The one who in the event of a break does not lose financial support, the one who in the event of a break does not lose his place of residence, the one who will be supported by relatives and friends. But not at all with the one who was “responsible for the climate”.
It is at the moment of the breakup that it suddenly becomes clear that if a man does not want to do something, he will not. They haven’t come up with lipstick that would make them pay alimony. That there isn’t such borscht that convinces the former not to kick you and your child out of his apartment and that it doesn’t matter how many times you stayed at home because “he was bored” instead of go about their own business.
I foresee my favorite argument “but there was nothing to get involved with the goats.” I usually notice here that the goats on the forehead do not write the word goat. But now I will go even further – a goat, in fact, at some moment in life can be anyone. Especially in a culture where people (usually men) are not supposed to express emotions and go to a psychotherapist. Therefore, instead of going to therapy, instead of saying where and why it hurts (and in the gap almost everyone hurts) – people begin to hurt in response. Because they do not see another way.
And at this moment, the person who was the closest and was not a goat at all – may well begin to behave like a goat. And you, after a long and happy time, will try to use your “power”. Yes, yes, the one that has a “balance”, for which you refused to increase your job (because you are responsible for the climate in the family, how will you come home later than your beloved!), Or even refused to work (because that someone should organize coziness and emotional comfort), abandoned friends, family and other things. But there is no power.
A relationship built on the fact that you “keep a balance” and a man “holds you both” is a relationship built on the sand. Because when it comes to yes, “here you are, and here I am …” the man will show you the house, car and household appliances, it kept you from you. What will you show him? “Emotional comfort”? But as?
Therefore, yes, all those who offer you to be responsible for the “balance” and to be the “neck” need to be sent away. These people want to give you a candy wrapper. Which you deploy only when you die of hunger. And there is air.
And yes, of course, everything will be different for you. It is your partner at the break who will remember how you read his reports, ironed out suits, took his friends’ houses, built relationships with his friends, looked for work vacancies for him, worked with the child so that he “would not distract his dad” and decided that he owed you pay for it kindly and not only pay the legally prescribed alimony, but also help you find where to live, get a job and start life from scratch. Because they all do that, huh. Get off the unicorn and let’s do it.