I raise the baby and sniff the diaper
Slowly, with feeling, almost burrowing into his nose. Even before the appearance of Henry, I heard a mom say: “You can always recognize the odor of your child’s poop.” Then I secretly laughed and thought, what a sad life she has. Three years later, I’m ready to bet that I’ll recognize the Jude diaper among twenty of the same. Honestly, this test needs to be included in some game show.
I call my husband “daddy”
Without any sexual connotations. Believe me, I tried. I felt terrible at the thought that from husband and wife we would turn into mummy and daddy. But even today I sometimes forget myself and ask James: “Daddy, do you want tea?”, Although our children have been sleeping in their cribs for a long time. And daddy is not worried about the fact that the spouse seems to have forgotten what his name is.
I care little about my appearance
No, I can not say that I just gave up on myself. When there is a meeting on the horizon with people who knew me before the appearance of these two small spin-eaters, I was very worried about my appearance. Less than anything in the world, I want them to think with pity: “She started herself completely.”
But in ordinary life, children do not leave much time to take care of beauty. Sometimes I forget to shave my legs, walk around the house (and even down the street) in a sweatshirt with an old stain of baked beans and absorb fish sticks right from the baking tray. Yes, at such moments I myself am well aware that there is nowhere to fall below.
I’m lying to children
Sometimes I lie because a lie is the least of all evils. “Oh, honey, the pastry shop has already closed, so we won’t be able to buy a cake!” – I say, hurriedly taking my son past the pastry shop (which, of course, did not even think to close at the height of the day). I just know that I can not stand the hysteria, which will inevitably follow my decisive: “No, today we will not buy a cake.” A small lie will save me a lot of nerve cells. Sometimes you have to lie because children refuse to accept the truth. Or they cannot, because they have not yet grown.
I say: “God, how they grew up!” When I see children of relatives or friends
I understand that this is natural. Children grow up every day. If you haven’t seen your niece for half a year, she most likely managed to grow up. And nevertheless, I am so tempted to start a conversation with “Just see how big she is” or “They are already quite adults. How time flies!”. Yes, I know, it’s terribly boring. And I’m boring.
I choose disgusting topics for conversation
No, seriously, disgusting. I found in myself a talent in detail to discuss completely uninteresting and rather unappetizing things. James and I are the “favorite” topic of conversation – the size, color and consistency of what we found in the pot or diaper of our siblings.
“For the last time, Henry seemed to have black worms there!”
– It’s all banana. Yesterday was the same, I already google.
– I prefer hard poop.
– Me too.
– Lord, you only listen to us. How have we come to this?
Perhaps we are discussing the contents of diapers and other boring topics like what time Jude fell asleep and what Henry ate for lunch, because it’s completely pointless to talk to adults in the presence of children.
Sometimes we still talk about work, interest on the mortgage and plans for the weekend. But the children interrupt us through the word, and if they do not interrupt, they throw toys. And in two minutes we still forget what we were going to say.
I bribe children
– I will never bribe my children! – I said once. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Following three years of hopeless motherhood, I can say that bribing is the only tactic I have mastered that really works. And I’m not alone in this: 99% of parents bribe their children from time to time. (I didn’t draw these figures in any sociological research. I didn’t conduct any surveys either. I just invented them. But I sincerely believe that they are true.) There is a chocolate behind every perfectly behaved child. The remaining percentage of parents accurately use hypnosis or witchcraft.
Probably, we need not reproach ourselves, but just to call this tactic differently. For example, not a bribe, but a strategy of deterrence, negotiation and rewards. After all, in essence, we just teach children that their actions have consequences. For example:
“If you eat salad, you’ll get cookies.”
– If you behave yourself on the site, get a cookie.
– If you play quietly while mom calls the insurance company, I’ll give you a cookie.
Something stuck on my cookies … If I don’t want to spend a fortune on a pediatric dentist in the future, I need to give the cookies less to the boys and brush their teeth longer.
Houses. In car. On a walk. I understand perfectly well that the problem cannot be solved by a cry, but there are days when nothing else remains. It is very difficult to keep yourself in hand if you have children.
Like a broken record, I repeat again and again the requests and instructions that no one (in any case, my children) can hear. Especially popular are the songs “Can you keep yourself quiet?”, “Play normally!” and “We will not go for a walk until you stop whining!”. And I myself am well aware of the absurdity of the last phrase: I will pull the children out of the house, even if they whine throughout the walk, because it is sometimes unbearable to sit in the four walls.
And I scatter empty threats
Alas, I quite often resort to threats, so empty and unreal that it becomes sickening.
– So, I repeat for the last time: no cartoons until the end of the week!
As soon as these words fall from my lips, I understand that I made a big mistake. After leaving my son without cartoons, I will deprive myself of the only opportunity to quietly drink tea!
– Now I will call Santa Claus, and he will delete you from the list of Good Children! If you stay without gifts, you will be guilty.
Yes, August is in the yard, but nothing better came to my mind.
– Say goodbye to your favorite toys, they are sent to the trash.
Henry has long guessed that sometimes he finds a mother. Therefore, he simply waits for the storm, and then quietly carries the toys from the “heap to release” back to his room.